Last night I had a very strange dream.
I don't normally remember my dreams and I don't remember everything that happened in this one, but I do remember some key points.
I was staying with this family in a house that really resembled my mother's place. I think I had run away because I was a bit upset my sister got engaged before me in the dream. Anyway, things were going well, but suddenly I had to leave the house because I was getting kicked out and my life was being threatened. The man who was going to kill me in my dream still allowed me to go back into the house to use the bathroom and collect a few things. On my way back out, I noticed my grandmother sitting on the sofa, so I went over to talk to her. I remember having a brief conversation followed by a big hug and telling her I loved her. Then I was on the run, with the man chasing me with a set of sharp kitchen knives.
Out of all the events that happened in my dream, the one that stuck out the most for me was the fact that my grandmother was there. She's the one who passed away over 9 months ago. And this is really the first dream I've had with her in it since then.
So today in a PMS-induced frenzy, I started thinking about last night's dream and had a little cry fest as it dawned on me that the hug that felt so real in my dream, was just a dream and I'll only be able to have those kind of hugs from my grandmother in my dreams from now on. I still miss her very much. I don't cry as often as I did right after her passing, but I still do. And probably will continue to from time to time.
Is that normal?
As a tribute to her I have decided I'm getting a new tattoo in about a month. I think I wrote about it before. It will be a large heart embracing a smaller one in a hug. The larger heart will have a halo and wings. And then the dates of my Grandmother's life will be written underneath. Hugs were always something I associated with her, as I would always ask her for one when she visited. And if she needed a hug she would ask me for one.
I really do hope that one day I will be able to look back on the memories of her and not feel the pain of losing her. But it'll be a long journey to get to that point.
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